God and Illness

I hate being ill.  Let's get that confession out of the way, I know it's not startling but I am beginning to realise that God is using illness to teach me specifically why I hate being ill.  At half term I was laid up for about 7 days with what at the time was diagnosed as a stomach virus, rest was the remedy, after blood tests showed everything else to be fine.  It took weeks to get back up to speed with lethargy and tiredness remaining a problem.  Finally last week I started feeling back to my old self again until the weekend when the same thing hit again, I managed to preach Sunday but pretty much spent the rest of the time in bed, where I have largely been ever since.  The new working diagnosis is a stress related IBS with accompanying medication which has yet to really start working, though that seems a little like a best guess.

God has been using this time laid aside and a little frustrated to teach me a number of things, which I'm hoping are lessons I won't forget when I'm recovered:

My identity is too often formed around what I do.  I know the theology that my identity is secure in Christ, but functionally I tend to live as if my identity is in my role; father, husband, pastor, teacher, governor.  Without being able to fulfil any of those other roles it is easy to see how I have tended to confuse the two functionally.  They are each roles but they are not my identity, my identity is that I am God's child wonderfully and gracious saved in Christ.

I have not been good at rest.  I am a 'yes' man in the worst possible way, not in terms of agreeing to everything someone says but in terms of saying 'yes' to almost every invitation to do something or speaking at something.  Why?  I'm not sure I've fully untangled that one yet, but it will be a mixture of wanting to please, wanting to serve, wanting to be recognised.  When I am back to health I think it is time I sat with good friends and godly leaders as we prayed through what I should and can be saying yes to and what to say no to.  I need to build rest in as part of my ongoing ministry.

Ignoring God's command not to be anxious. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."  Matt 6v34.  I've read it, I've used it pastorally with others but I haven't really rubbed it into my heart and put it into practice in my ministry.  I take things to God but then tend to do all I can to solve them, especially when it is people with problems, which is when the anxiety kicks in that my efforts aren't enough.  It's not that I'm a gibbering wreck, it probably isn't even particularly noticeable to others, but I can now see that as an underlying issue.  It is something I have had to confess to God and repent of and ask his help not to repeat.

I'm sure there are more lessons God is going to teach me either as he heals me of the problem or as I learn to live with it.  But having seen those three things so clearly I am praying that I will learn the lessons and practically do something about them.